I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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