farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
