More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
