I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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