Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
