sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
