Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
