I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
