We named our party play list daddy issues
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
