its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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