by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
