You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
