I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We smell like vodka and hangover
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