shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just want nice things and good sex
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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