i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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