Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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