i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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