3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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