I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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