I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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