Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
