And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize