She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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