Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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