dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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