I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
