I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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