I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
