I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
