i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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