The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
