I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
