i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
They took my balls.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
