I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
