He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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