Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
