That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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