i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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