I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
