I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
