We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
