He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Btw I puked in your glovebox
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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