It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
