i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
