apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
