Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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