If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
