4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
