apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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