how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize