Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
