She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
