She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
