I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
