We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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